A couple weeks ago I was really discouraged. One of those weeks when I was finding it difficult to see any growth or heart changes. When it seemed every evening guilt and shame streaked down my face and parted worn out make up on my face over critical, impatient words that rushed past lips that should have remained closed or selfishness and my own desire for comfort that kept me annoyed and inconvenienced over the needs of a family of five. Or how about that fear that still pops up? That unbelief after being shown hundreds of times that I’m never alone? So there I’d find myself feeling stuck. With this frustrating pattern of sin daily confessed, repented, forgiven. To repeat.
How much longer, Lord? How much longer before I’m complete? Before I don’t have the daily struggle with self?
Because I’m pretty tired of me. And in this world of instant gratification I’d really like to be fixed now. I mean, I was born again, right? I know I have a whole lot to fix but couldn’t the process go a little faster?
Or am I the only one?
If I’m not, keep reading because this gets really good!
Just when I’m almost sure I’m a hopeless case, that I will forever hold onto these chains, He reaches down and… moves me.
Literally. And shows me that sometimes you don’t realize chains have been broken until you move and don’t feel the weight of them anymore.
sometimes you don’t realize chains have been broken until you move and don’t feel the weight of them anymore.
Somehow, in my regular, every day life I had become unaware of the sometimes slow healing. The gentle touch of His hand in those unsettled places.
So in His infinite kindness and answer to my prayers, He showed me. He plucked me out of my everyday Midwest routine and put me on a whirlwind of a Make A Wish trip for our daughter. I was incredibly grateful for the gift to her, but had no idea what an amazing gift He had in store for me.
I’ve always been a worrier. Anyone who knows me well knows this. I contemplated officially changing my middle name to “careful” when I changed my last name. What some might not know is that my careful was born of fear. Of just about everything. Oh, some of it was common. Bridges, roller coasters, car accidents, etc. But whenever I was out of my comfort zone fears took flight to crazy town. I could actually see horrible, very unlikely, things happen. Shoelaces in escalators, falling overboard, TV’s or fans falling off walls, fires in public places and not able to find an exit….I could go on and on to convince you of my incredible imagination but I think you get the picture.
I was crouched down behind Mini Hubby at the bow of a glass bottom boat in The Keys when I noticed it. Cruising along through mangrove trees dotted with birds I’d never seen, laughing in utter joy over the dolphins that came to escort us out, I had never felt so LIGHT. I assure you I’m not talking numbers on the scale. Turns out vacation calories do, in fact, count. Just ask my jeans. Nope, it wasn’t until I’d moved out of my normal, out of my comfort zone, that I realized the weight of the chains was gone. There were no random, crazy fears to steal my joy. To take my eyes off of the beauty around me. For the first time on a vacation I soaked every beautiful gift in without it being tainted or dulled by fear. Never has the ocean smelled so amazing. Never has the sun felt so warm and enveloping. And never has my children’s laughter sounded sweeter. I was free to shed thankful tears of joy for the ability to truly appreciate the beauty of creation. Because I now know the Creator.
So I stayed crouched behind my four year old, our heads side by side, unafraid, the sea spray mixing with my own grateful joy filled tears and laughed over hair whipped crazy and looked into a bright blue sky and beyond to the One who breaks every chain. In His own time. Which just happens to be totally perfect. I can wait for that.